Chapter 121

Whenthehopswerepicked,Philipwiththenewsinhispocketthathehadgottheappointmentasassistanthouse-physicianatSt.Luke’s,accompaniedtheAthelnysbacktoLondon.HetookmodestroomsinWestminsterandatthebeginningofOctoberentereduponhisduties.Theworkwasinterestingandvaried;everydayhelearnedsomethingnew;hefelthimselfofsomeconsequence;andhesawagooddealofSally.Hefoundlifeuncommonlypleasant.Hewasfreeaboutsix,exceptonthedaysonwhichhehadout-patients,andthenhewenttotheshopatwhichSallyworkedtomeetherwhenshecameout.Therewereseveralyoungmen,whohungaboutoppositethe‘tradeentrance’oralittlefurtheralong,atthefirstcorner;andthegirls,comingouttwoandtwoorinlittlegroups,nudgedoneanotherandgiggledastheyrecognisedthem.Sallyinherplainblackdresslookedverydifferentfromthecountrylasswhohadpickedhopssidebysidewithhim.Shewalkedawayfromtheshopquickly,butsheslackenedherpacewhentheymet,andgreetedhimwithherquietsmile.Theywalkedtogetherthroughthebusystreet.Hetalkedtoherofhisworkatthehospital,andshetoldhimwhatshehadbeendoingintheshopthatday.Hecametoknowthenamesofthegirlssheworkedwith.HefoundthatSallyhadarestrained,butkeen,senseoftheridiculous,andshemaderemarksaboutthegirlsorthemenwhoweresetoverthemwhichamusedhimbytheirunexpecteddrollery.Shehadawayofsayingathingwhichwasverycharacteristic,quitegravely,asthoughtherewerenothingfunnyinitatall,andyetitwassosharp-sightedthatPhilipbrokeintodelightedlaughter.Thenshewouldgivehimalittleglanceinwhichthesmilingeyesshowedshewasnotunawareofherownhumour.Theymetwithahandshakeandpartedasformally.OncePhilipaskedhertocomeandhaveteawithhiminhisrooms,butsherefused.

“No,Iwon’tdothat.Itwouldlookfunny.”

Neverawordoflovepassedbetweenthem.Sheseemednottodesireanythingmorethanthecompanionshipofthosewalks.YetPhilipwaspositivethatshewasgladtobewithhim.Shepuzzledhimasmuchasshehaddoneatthebeginning.Hedidnotbegintounderstandherconduct;butthemoreheknewherthefonderhegrewofher;shewascompetentandselfcontrolled,andtherewasacharminghonestyinher:youfeltthatyoucouldrelyuponherineverycircumstance.

“Youareanawfullygoodsort,”hesaidtoheronceaproposofnothingatall.

“IexpectI’mjustthesameaseveryoneelse,”sheanswered.

Heknewthathedidnotloveher.Itwasagreataffectionthathefeltforher,andhelikedhercompany;itwascuriouslysoothing;andhehadafeelingforherwhichseemedtohimridiculoustoentertaintowardsashop-girlofnineteen:herespectedher.Andheadmiredhermagnificenthealthiness.Shewasasplendidanimal,withoutdefect;andphysicalperfectionfilledhimalwayswithadmiringawe.Shemadehimfeelunworthy.

Then,oneday,aboutthreeweeksaftertheyhadcomebacktoLondonastheywalkedtogether,henoticedthatshewasunusuallysilent.Theserenityofherexpressionwasalteredbyaslightlinebetweentheeyebrows:itwasthebeginningofafrown.

“What’sthematter,Sally?”heasked.

Shedidnotlookathim,butstraightinfrontofher,andhercolourdarkened.

“Idon’tknow.”

Heunderstoodatoncewhatshemeant.Hisheartgaveasudden,quickbeat,andhefeltthecolourleavehischeeks.

“Whatd’youmean?Areyouafraidthat?”

Hestopped.Hecouldnotgoon.Thepossibilitythatanythingofthesortcouldhappenhadnevercrossedhismind.Thenhesawthatherlipsweretrembling,andshewastryingnottocry.“I’mnotcertainyet.Perhapsit’llbeallright.”

TheywalkedoninsilencetilltheycametothecornerofChanceryLane,wherehealwayslefther.Sheheldoutherhandandsmiled.

“Don’tworryaboutityet.Let’shopeforthebest.”

Hewalkedawaywithatumultofthoughtsinhishead.Whatafoolhehadbeen!Thatwasthefirstthingthatstruckhim,anabject,miserablefool,andherepeatedittohimselfadozentimesinarushofangryfeeling.Hedespisedhimself.Howcouldhehavegotintosuchamess?Butatthesametime,forhisthoughtschasedoneanotherthroughhisbrainandyetseemedtostandtogether,inahopelessconfusion,likethepiecesofajig-sawpuzzleseeninanightmare,heaskedhimselfwhathewasgoingtodo.Everythingwassoclearbeforehim,allhehadaimedatsolongwithinreachatlast,andnowhisinconceivablestupidityhaderectedthisnewobstacle.Philiphadneverbeenabletosurmountwhatheacknowledgedwasadefectinhisresolutedesireforawellorderedlife,andthatwashispassionforlivinginthefuture;andnosoonerwashesettledinhisworkatthehospitalthanhehadbusiedhimselfwitharrangementsforhistravels.Inthepasthehadoftentriednottothinktoocircumstantiallyofhisplansforthefuture,itwasonlydiscouraging;butnowthathisgoalwassonearhesawnoharmingivingawaytoalongingthatwassodifficulttoresist.FirstofallhemeanttogotoSpain.Thatwasthelandofhisheart;andbynowhewasimbuedwithitsspirit,itsromanceandcolourandhistoryandgrandeur;hefeltthatithadamessageforhiminparticularwhichnoothercountrycouldgive.Heknewthefineoldcitiesalreadyasthoughhehadtroddentheirtortuousstreetsfromchildhood.Cordova,Seville,Toledo,Leon,Tarragona,Burgos.ThegreatpaintersofSpainwerethepaintersofhissoul,andhispulsebeatquicklyashepicturedhisecstasyonstandingfacetofacewiththoseworkswhichweremoresignificantthananyotherstohisowntortured,restlessheart.Hehadreadthegreatpoets,morecharacteristicoftheirracethanthepoetsofotherlands;fortheyseemedtohavedrawntheirinspirationnotatallfromthegeneralcurrentsoftheworld’sliteraturebutdirectlyfromthetorrid,scentedplainsandthebleakmountainsoftheircountry.Afewshortmonthsnow,andhewouldhearwithhisownearsallaroundhimthelanguagewhichseemedmostaptforgrandeurofsoulandpassion.HisfinetastehadgivenhimaninklingthatAndalusiawastoosoftandsensuous,alittlevulgareven,tosatisfyhisardour;andhisimaginationdweltmorewillinglyamongthewind-sweptdistancesofCastileandtheruggedmagnificenceofAragonandLeon.Hedidnotknowquitewhatthoseunknowncontactswouldgivehim,buthefeltthathewouldgatherfromthemastrengthandapurposewhichwouldmakehimmorecapableofaffrontingandcomprehendingthemanifoldwondersofplacesmoredistantandmorestrange.

Forthiswasonlyabeginning.Hehadgotinto

communicationwiththevariouscompanieswhichtooksurgeonsoutontheirships,andknewexactlywhatweretheirroutes,andfrommenwhohadbeenonthemwhatweretheadvantagesanddisadvantagesofeachline.HeputasidetheOrientandtheP.&O.Itwasdifficulttogetaberthwiththem;andbesidestheirpassengertrafficallowedthemedicalofficerlittlefreedom;buttherewereotherserviceswhichsentlargetrampsonleisurelyexpeditionstotheEast,stoppingatallsortsofportsforvariousperiods,fromadayortwotoafortnight,sothatyouhadplentyoftime,anditwasoftenpossibletomakeatripinland.Thepaywaspoorandthefoodnomorethanadequate,sothattherewasnotmuchdemandfortheposts,andamanwithaLondondegreewasprettysuretogetoneifheapplied.Sincetherewerenopassengersotherthanacasualmanorso,shippingonbusinessfromsomeout-of-the-wayporttoanother,thelifeonboardwasfriendlyandpleasant.Philipknewbyheartthelistofplacesatwhichtheytouched;andeachonecalledupinhimvisionsoftropicalsunshine,andmagiccolour,andofateeming,mysterious,intenselife.Life!Thatwaswhathewanted.AtlasthewouldcometoclosequarterswithLife.Andperhaps,fromTokyoorShanghaiitwouldbepossibletotranshipintosomeotherlineanddripdowntotheislandsoftheSouthPacific.Adoctorwasusefulanywhere.TheremightbeanopportunitytogoupcountryinBurmah,andwhatrichjunglesinSumatraorBorneomighthenotvisit?Hewasyoungstillandtimewasnoobjecttohim.HehadnotiesinEngland,nofriends;hecouldgoupanddowntheworldforyears,learningthebeautyandthewonderandthevariednessoflife.

Nowthisthinghadcome.HeputasidethepossibilitythatSallywasmistaken;hefeltstrangelycertainthatshewasright;afterall,itwassolikely;anyonecouldseethatNaturehadbuilthertobethemotherofchildren.Heknewwhatheoughttodo.Heoughtnottolettheincidentdiverthimahair’sbreadthfromhispath.HethoughtofGriffiths;hecouldeasilyimaginewithwhatindifferencethatyoungmanwouldhavereceivedsuchapieceofnews;hewouldhavethoughtitanawfulnuisanceandwouldatoncehavetakentohisheels,likeawisefellow;hewouldhaveleftthegirltodealwithhertroublesasbestshecould.Philiptoldhimselfthatifthishadhappeneditwasbecauseitwasinevitable.HewasnomoretoblamethanSally;shewasagirlwhoknewtheworldandthefactsoflife,andshehadtakentheriskwithhereyesopen.Itwouldbemadnesstoallowsuchanaccidenttodisturbthewholepatternofhislife.Hewasoneofthefewpeoplewhowasacutelyconsciousofthetransitorinessoflife,andhownecessaryitwastomakethemostofit.HewoulddowhathecouldforSally;hecouldaffordtogiveherasufficientsumofmoney.Astrongmanwouldneverallowhimselftobeturnedfromhispurpose.

Philipsaidallthistohimself,butheknewhecouldnotdoit.Hesimplycouldnot.Heknewhimself.

“I’msodamnedweak,”hemuttereddespairingly.

Shehadtrustedhimandbeenkindtohim.Hesimplycouldnotdoathingwhich,notwithstandingallhisreason,hefeltwashorrible.Heknewhewouldhavenopeaceonhistravelsifhehadthethoughtconstantlywithhimthatshewaswretched.Besides,therewereherfatherandmother:theyhadalwaystreatedhimwell;itwasnotpossibletorepaythemwithingratitude.TheonlythingwastomarrySallyasquicklyaspossible.HewouldwritetoDoctorSouth,tellhimhewasgoingtobemarriedatonce,andsaythatifhisofferstillheldhewaswillingtoacceptit.Thatsortofpractice,amongpoorpeople,wastheonlyonepossibleforhim;therehisdeformitydidnotmatter,andtheywouldnotsneeratthesimplemannersofhiswife.Itwascurioustothinkofherashiswife,itgavehimaqueer,softfeeling;andawaveofemotionspreadoverhimashethoughtofthechildwhichwashis.HehadlittledoubtthatDoctorSouthwouldbegladtohavehim,andhepicturedtohimselfthelifehewouldleadwithSallyinthefishingvillage.Theywouldhavealittlehousewithinsightofthesea,andhewouldwatchthemightyshipspassingtothelandshewouldneverknow.Perhapsthatwasthewisestthing.Cronshawhadtoldhimthatthefactsoflifematterednothingtohimwhobythepoweroffancyheldinfeethetwinrealmsofspaceandtime.Itwastrue.Foreverwiltthouloveandshebefair!

Hisweddingpresenttohiswifewouldbeallhishighhopes.Self-sacrifice!Philipwasupliftedbyitsbeauty,andallthroughtheeveninghethoughtofit.Hewassoexcitedthathecouldnotread.Heseemedtobedrivenoutofhisroomsintothestreets,andhewalkedupanddownBirdcageWalk,hisheartthrobbingwithjoy.Hecouldhardlybearhisimpatience.HewantedtoseeSally’shappinesswhenhemadeherhisoffer,andifithadnotbeensolatehewouldhavegonetoherthereandthen.HepicturedtohimselfthelongeveningshewouldspendwithSallyinthecosysitting-room,theblindsundrawnsothattheycouldwatchthesea;hewithhisbooks,whileshebentoverherwork,andtheshadedlampmadehersweetfacemorefair.Theywouldtalkoverthegrowingchild,andwhensheturnedhereyestohistherewasinthemthelightoflove.Andthefishermenandtheirwiveswhowerehispatientswouldcometofeelagreataffectionforthem,andtheyintheirturnwouldenterintothepleasuresandpainsofthosesimplelives.Buthisthoughtsreturnedtothesonwhowouldbehisandhers.Alreadyhefeltinhimselfapassionatedevotiontoit.Hethoughtofpassinghishandsoverhislittleperfectlimbs,heknewhewouldbebeautiful;andhewouldmakeovertohimallhisdreamsofarichandvariedlife.Andthinkingoverthelongpilgrimageofhispastheaccepteditjoyfully.Heacceptedthedeformitywhichhadmadelifesohardforhim;heknewthatithadwarpedhischaracter,butnowhesawalsothatbyreasonofithehadacquiredthatpowerofintrospectionwhichhadgivenhimsomuchdelight.Withoutithewouldneverhavehadhiskeenappreciationofbeauty,hispassionforartandliterature,andhisinterestinthevariedspectacleoflife.Theridiculeandthecontemptwhichhadsooftenbeenheapeduponhimhadturnedhismindinwardandcalledforththoseflowerswhichhefeltwouldneverlosetheirfragrance.Thenhesawthatthenormalwastherarestthingintheworld.Everyonehadsomedefect,ofbodyorofmind:hethoughtofallthepeoplehehadknown(thewholeworldwaslikeasick-house,andtherewasnorhymeorreasoninit),hesawalongprocession,deformedinbodyandwarpedinmind,somewithillnessoftheflesh,weakheartsorweaklungs,andsomewithillnessofthespirit,languorofwill,oracravingforliquor.Atthismomenthecouldfeelaholycompassionforthemall.Theywerethehelplessinstrumentsofblindchance.HecouldpardonGriffithsforhistreacheryandMildredforthepainshehadcausedhim.Theycouldnothelpthemselves.Theonlyreasonablethingwastoacceptthegoodofmenandbepatientwiththeirfaults.ThewordsofthedyingGodcrossedhismemory:

Forgivethem,fortheyknownotwhattheydo.